It’s a reoccurring nightmare.
I’m running to class, papers and textbooks falling from my overloaded arms. The syllabus I just reprinted is nowhere to be found. How did it happen? I’ve missed weeks of a class I somehow forgot about. If I can just find the classroom…215? 210? Where is it? I won’t graduate, I’ll be expelled. I’m a failure.
I’m sure this dream is more about the hectic, stress-filled life I’ve led these last few years than about my work habits. In truth, I’ve had this dream since high school and couldn’t say if I ever stopped having it. I guess I’m juggling and dropping the ball, somewhere, everywhere. As I click around on my new online tab, it replays like a daydream. Online learning has come so far, yet there are useless tabs with nothing behind them, there are empty bins and the assignments tab only holds a portion of what is expected of me. It is like searching through the racks of a discount store. I have to click around from tab to tab to see if there are assignments buried somewhere else.
I’m a student again, and the dream makes sense… but this time it isn’t my parent’s money. It’s my family money and it is money we could be using for other things. Important things. Things for my child.
I’m scared I’m going to fail. I’m frightened I’m wasting my time and energy on something I won’t be able to complete. What if I forget about a class, an assignment, can’t finish 90 pages of reading in two days?
What if I fail?
What then?
Last night, Brian was watching pre-season football when Andrew asked what they were doing on tv. The conversation got much more interesting from there:
Brian: Football, buddy! Aren't you excited to watch football with Daddy this year?
Andrew: Yeah! (not convinced)
Me: What is your favorite sport, Drew?
Andrew: Baseball ( me: sigh - much safer sport). I don't have a football.
Me: Yes you do! You have two or three of them!
Andrew: No, I don't, Mommy. We have to go buy one. Tomorrow. We'll go to the store.
Me: Do you have money to buy a football?
Andrew: No. We can get some.
Brian: (intrigued) Where do we get money from, Andrew?
Andrew: The tv. It is in there.
Me: Really? Should I look for some, now?
Andrew: -laughs - Yes!
Me: - Looking behind tv - nope, nothing.
Andrew: Oh, I know!
He then proceeded to pull Brian's shirt up over his head and dig in his belly button. Apparently, that is where we get money from. Poor daddy! He works 2 jobs only to get the money shoved into his navel.
1 year ago my son didn't speak.
8 months ago he was wrongly diagnosed with a learning disorder
6 months ago his diagnosis was downgraded but still incorrect
2 months ago he couldn't get the words out around peers
1 month ago he said strange sentence fragments around peers - usually not in the appropriate context
Today this conversation was overheard between him and his friend, Garrett.
G: "Hi Andrew!" A: "Hi Garrett!" G: "What are you doing?" A: "I'm playing with this truck. Do you want to play with me?" G: "Sure!" You know that happy dance reserved for when you realize you've fallen in love or have won the lottery? I'm doing it right now.
